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Boundary sense, noun, refers to a person’s clear perception of the boundaries of their responsibilities and obligations, and the extent to which such boundaries are maintained.
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How is a person mature? I personally think that when a person has a clear sense of boundaries, when a person is truly mature. Maturity does not mean that the intellectual and psychological development has been completed, and the inner world has reached a stable balance, but that a person can finally handle his relationship with others, his relationship with the world, and maintain a suitable distance from each other.
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When a child is a child, there is no sense of boundary between parents and children. When the child is a little older, he is no longer willing to tell his parents everything about what happens at school, and he has his own secrets. When the child is older and the parents ask him about his clothes, hobbies, and social life, the child will not be happy because he feels that his parents are interfering in his private life. Sometimes there will be conflicts between the two parties. In fact, the child is trying to establish a sense of boundary between himself and his parents, but the parents are used to crossing the line, which is a border conflict.
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When parents have enough confidence in their children that they can handle life alone, they will become independent individuals. At this time, the boundary becomes very clear, and the two parties rarely care about each other’s private life except for health and economy. At this time, of course, we can also say that this is the maturity of the relationship between parents and children, the children are finally mature, and the two parties are in a benign relationship.
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Conversely, if parents believe that their children have unlimited responsibilities for themselves, and children believe that their parents have unlimited obligations to themselves, then the child will never mature, because he cannot survive alone without his parents at all, no matter how old he is, he is still an accessory to the family life of his parents.
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The same goes for the relationship between a person and other people. Some people have a strong sense of responsibility and some people have a strong desire to care. This type of person’s sense of boundaries will become weak, sometimes causing disgust. From the perspective of the recipient, a strong sense of responsibility may mean a lot of interference and criticism of oneself, and a strong desire to care may mean distrust of one’s own abilities, which is essentially a kind of denial and devaluation.
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There are several basic assumptions in the adult world:
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Assume that everyone knows their range of abilities;
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Assume that everyone can do the thing at hand independently;
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Assume everyone knows exactly what they are doing.
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Based on these three assumptions, we build relationships with others. The absence of a sense of boundaries, or the lack of a clear sense of boundaries, is actually questioning the above three assumptions. Whether it is a positive approach, or a negative approach, it is to assume that the other party does not know what they can do, cannot do it independently, and does not know what they are doing, so either reach out to help or correct it.
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On the other hand, there are indeed some people who do not know the scope of their abilities, have no way to complete things independently, and do not know what they are doing, but they do not think that this is a problem that needs to be solved by themselves, but think that others have the responsibility and obligation to help themselves. Or, simply push all this to others, ask others to give their own answers, and ask others to take the initiative to take responsibility. This is also a manifestation of no sense of boundaries, mixing others with their own parents, mixing themselves with children, and getting used to living the easiest life.
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The above two types of people are relatively extreme types in the crowd. When they are alone with ordinary people, they bring tension and unpleasant interpersonal relationships. And when these two types of people meet, the ending is often not very optimistic, because the situation will quickly become that both parties think they are in control of the relationship, and finally end up hurting each other.
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So, I support conflict between people and don’t think that’s such a bad thing. First of all, everyone has a different sense of boundaries, and there is no textbook that teaches you how to determine boundaries. So, everyone’s boundaries are the result of the game.
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Second, while we have three assumptions about the adult world, not everyone thinks so, and people always need to go through some collisions before they find that following these three assumptions is likely to be the least conflicting.
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Finally, isn’t the so-called boundary the balance of power between the two sides? In this world, if there is no resistance, a person always tends to expand his willpower to the limit. When faced with resistance and blows, the person will stop and think about whether he has crossed the line and whether he has substantially created inequality between people.
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Disputes between children and parents, recriminations between friends, and quarrels between colleagues about responsibilities and quarrels all point to boundary issues. I would not imagine that everyone can draw boundaries calmly and maintain a sense of boundaries appropriately. Crossing boundaries is the norm in life.
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If you can’t help but care about others, you can’t help but advise others, and you can only control this mentality when you are countered. If you can’t help but ask others for help, you can’t help but blame others, and you can only understand your own responsibility when you are rejected. When the conflict disappears and you feel that you can maintain a good relationship without breaking a sweat, when you have a sense of boundaries, it is considered maturity.
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In addition to the relationship with others, the sense of boundary also addresses the relationship between the individual and the world. The core of interpersonal relationships is equality, don’t underestimate the abilities of others. The relationship between people and the world is a little more complicated, and I think the point is to control the size of the self.
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There is a kind of person in life who can’t let go of some human tragedies for a long time, and sometimes has deep guilt. This can of course be said to be kind by nature, or innately sensitive. But it can also be explained from another angle, that is, the ego is magnified to a certain extent, and it believes that it is responsible for everything. Similarly, if the ego shrinks too small, it will feel that the world is full of unease and danger, and it will be full of pessimism about the future.
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Personally, I think this is the true picture of the relationship between the individual and the world: the world is extremely large and the individual is extremely small. For the most part, the world has a complete indifference to how we toss ourselves. That is, no matter how we jump up and down, the world will not turn its head to look at us more.
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We rarely have any direct connection to the world, we are indirectly connected to the world through our network of relationships. The existence of one person is insignificant, but a group of people form a company, and it is possible to build a building on the earth, or serve millions of people. The limit of our personal abilities is generally the edge of the network we can influence.
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So, I don’t agree with creating an infinite connection between the individual and the world, let alone adding infinite responsibility to this infinite connection. The idea of “I forgot to turn off the air conditioner and went out and blamed myself for destroying three Amazon rainforest trees” is, I think, an unbearable mental burden.
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Forgetting to turn off the air conditioner is forgetting to turn off the air conditioner, and the world won’t rise a degree because of it. It’s acknowledging that there are personal boundaries. Likewise, I also support that when you pass a shared bike that has fallen on the side of the street, you step up and help it up, rather than going in a circle and dodging far away.
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Because we have this ability and this opportunity, it is worth doing to make one more bicycle stand well in the world. Therefore, we have fulfilled our responsibilities to others and society, and we are not always enjoying others in vain. Pay.
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But in life, we often see the scene of a man bypassing a fallen bicycle and moving on, but his heart is burning with anxiety about the war in a certain African country. Then the man talks impassively about employment justice at the dinner table, and turns around and scolds the restaurant waiter like a slave.
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Then I would think that there is a problem with the relationship between such a person and the world, the whole world has become his back garden, and he will not take any responsibility for the little things within his power. You can’t figure out if he has any boundaries in this world, which may be infinitely large but infinitely small at the same time.
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Boundary means self-limitation. Whether it is for others or for the world, the sense of boundary is a constraint. Under this constraint, the relationship will achieve a certain balance. And under this balance, a person can do whatever he wants, which is freedom.
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Do not control others, and do not be controlled by others; do not be responsible for the world, and do not avoid social responsibility within the scope of their ability, then people will be freed, remove the pressure on the soul, and can live freely without hurting others and hurting yourself. Living freely under the premise of hurting yourself, in the eyes of others is maturity.